Thursday, April 15, 2010

Missing you dad.


This is the last picture that I have of my dad alive.  Makes me wish I would have spent a little more time focusing on him that day (Easter 2009).

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of his death.  Since most of the people I would have enjoyed the company of on this emotionally difficult day were working or busy. . . .I decided to embark on my own little journey for the day, get in touch with my feelings, remember the good times, etc.

So I packed my bike up and headed out to ride (of course).

This past year has brought a lot of different things to my life.  Some good, some bad. . . . it's brought a lot of wonderful friends to the surface, and it's forced me to take a deeper look at my life and what it's missing. 

I'm one of those people who look at the closed door for so long I miss out on the open window.  I don't do it because i can't stand change. . . . . .I think I do it because i'm usually SO attached to that closed door that I can't even SEE the open window.  I don't like that part of myself. 

Many people in this world just shut everyone out.  Then they don't have to worry about closed doors.  I don't want to be like that. . . . . .but I feel like that's who I am becoming.  Strange how little things affect us so much.  How great loss can upset our whole "emotional balance". . . . have us wondering if certain things are really worth it.

I went to find peace and inspiration yesterday.  Instead I found confusion and more questions.  Questions to life. . . .questions there aren't really answers for.  Confusion as to why I do the things I do. . . .why I am who I am. . . .why I can't be who I "WANT" to be ALL the time.

I guess a day of reflection does that to a person.  :-)

Thinking about my dad today puts a smile on my face.  It still puts tears in my eyes because I truly miss him. . . . .but I know he's in a better place.  I will continue to strive and ltry to ook past the closed door. . . . .and find the open window.  It's exactly what he would want, and it's what I need to do for him. . . .for me. . . . .and for those who love me.

Peace.

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